Shhh.
Pace through the morning, you fuel my mind
And I miss you so much, but you’re not out of sight
You’re still with me
In my secret life
In my secret life…
Is it possible for me to see you, the way I’ve always wanted to be seen? Is it possible that you’re human, afterall?
Can I forgive to forego, surrender to somehow finally let go?
Are you allowed to be in pain, too?
One truth need not eclipse the other, or so I’ve resisted all these years. Black and white, yes or no, all-or-nothing — the binary fragments blinding my perception.
Yours or mine…your love used to feel so divine.
Here and then gone, I hate how much I’ve missed you all along.
In the battle of good vs. evil, you’ve long carried your trophy of deceit with a self-righteous smile.
What happens to the truth, if I embrace ambivalence? What becomes of my story, once I hold space for yours?
With compassion our futile enemy, I don’t think there’s anything left of you and me.
Staring hollowly, I’m left to ponder.
Dozing with a painful curiosity, I’m faced with radical acceptance — again and again and again.
Far from innocent, I too must atone.
Eventually.
Right and wrong willfully aside, how can I miss something that never subsides?
Why do I long for what I never really had? As my worry turns into dread, invasive sadness persists. As preoccupation points toward danger, anger clouds my true intentions.
Still, I am reminded of you. As my throat closes, my face fills with an uncomfortable wetness, warm and otherwise blurred to the markings of reality.
Nowhere left to turn, I sit with it.
Daring it to stay, I somehow allow it to slip away. One jolt, and then two, my body tells me what to do.
I miss you, more than I want to.
I miss you, more than I need to.
Meeting someone new inevitably brings me back to you. Still, I am reminded of you. The cursed love affair that used to send flips through my stomach, frolicking about in my mind — I can’t move on without you.
You used to be so kind.
At the first glimpse of trouble, I panic. Will I lose someone else, the way I lost you? Will they leave the way you did? Will it be my fault?
Sadness envelops me with sweeping glare, reminding me I’m not quite there. Your presence lingers, buzzing in the background, knowing full well I can’t let lift a finger.
I hugged you a few weeks ago. Foreign and out of touch, I nearly shuddered in your embrace.
Will I always feel the longing?
Will I always yearn to be chosen?
Will it ever not ache?
WIll I ever mend my first heartbreak?
Faceless in a crowd,
I feel it.
Voiceless in a shroud,
I see it.
I miss you, Mom.
I, I…
Do you remember the good?
Do you miss your Mandy girl?
Do you wish for quality time the way all mothers should?
Somewhere between then and now, you decided I wasn’t worthy.
Somewhere between furrowed brows, I learned to desert me.
Grief — love with nowhere to go.
Anger — energy with a purpose.
Were the early years just for show?
Holding absences, a lotus in bloom.
You took your love away in one fell swoop.
I, I…
My melodic nightmare echoes in the silence
You always scolded my inherent defiance.
Shh (please tell)
I, I, … can no longer dwell.
