The Quiet & The Noise
Ready, set…NO
It doesn’t make sense. Make it make sense.
That’s the only way.
Am I just lonely? Under too much pressure?
Am I pushing myself to swim, but causing a drowning instead?
Am I surrounded only out of proximity, and default? Do people only care when I’m nearby?
Am I too vulnerable?
Am I doing enough? Strong enough to do more?
What happened to the light I once carried, and recently, reclaimed?
How much of my potential have I limited?
Labels all around, is what's lost somewhere to be found?
Amanda, are you in there?
Are you underneath the heaviness?
Exposure Therapy! Cognitive Reframing!
Shaky hands, foggy mind, the clock ticks away,
Hours, minutes, moments until the next obligation.
Tight chest, vacant stares, cuticles picked until they’re raw.
A muted and incomplete personality,
Tatters of self adrift in the wind.
Is this my final straw?
Ten fingers, ten toes,
How many hours have I lost, living within a show?
Sequencing that never ends,
I can’t keep up with every healing trend.
Thoughts on a cloud, enveloping the big blue sky,
Can anyone understand why I’m so hesitant to try?
Mindfulness! Body Scans! Daily, Regular Practice!
Clear the fog? Part my clouds? Rediscover lightness?
…what if I don’t want to at all?
…what if I don’t trust it anymore?
…what if the darkness is more authentic than the light?
No one wants to hear the truth when it’s ugly. People want to hear how you’ve overcome, persisted, and never lost faith.
How can I believe I’m capable of success when I trap myself under the weight of expectation, imprisoned by the need to make up for lost time?
How can I trust that I will put myself back together, when I can’t remember the specifics and the how-tos, from each time before?
Am I destined to a life of self-inflicted overcompensation and worrisome transitions?
Yoga! Somatic Bodywork! Self Awareness!
Can I have peace?
Figure it out. Figure it out. Figure it out.
Can I have…quiet?
Take responsibility. Take responsibility. Take responsibility!
Is there any stopping the noise?
Regulate. Regulate. Regulate!
Logic and reasoning, you’re in there somewhere.
One flicker, two,
One foot in front of the other is all I have to do.
Oh Amanda, you’re still in there.
Oh Amanda, you’re not a self-improvement project.
You and me? Let’s just…be.
Quirky…Clumsy…Silly…Expressive…Reactive… Impulsive…Creative…Analytical…Colorful…Resilient… Magnetic…Loyal…Honest…Authentic…Empathic…Straightforward…Reliable…Responsible…Methodical… Organized…Insightful…
Following a setback, here are 5 things that have helped me to regain a semblance of self and regroup:
Letting my hair down
Putting on simple makeup
Allowing myself a little inconsistency with daily rituals
Befriending my struggle, instead of shaming it
Meditating the moment I wake up, as the clouds roll in
